The University of Sheffield
Student Life

Invitations, Dates and Visiting

1. Invitations to parties, social events, dinner or to visit someone´s home pose problems for some international students. Like many of the issues discussed above, invitations are surrounded by a multitude of cultural assumptions.

2. `We were invited to attend the Mature Students´ Society party. When we arrived, we discovered that, not only were we expected to pay £2 to get in, but they even expected us to pay for drinks once we were inside. In my country, you welcome people in, give them as much food and drink as they can take and even give them something to take home with them.' (Nigerian student)

3. Parties in the Union of Students

In general, no student societies fund social events. Participants are asked to contribute by paying an entrance fee and buying drinks consumed. This is to fund the party. British student culture has developed this method of enabling like-minded groups to get together. It is worth spending a relatively small amount of money in order to mix with other students.

4. Parties in a Private Home

  1. It is customary in Britain to take something to your host if you are invited to a party. In many circles, it is usual to take a bottle of wine or some other kind of drink (soft drinks are fine, particularly if you do not wish to drink alcohol yourself). In other cultures, hosts might be offended if you brought ‘your own’ refreshments, but in Britain it is quite acceptable and often expected.
  2. If your lecturer/supervisor/head of department holds a party in their own home for students, it may not be appropriate to contribute alcohol. A small gift such as flowers, chocolates or something from your home country will always be appreciated and appropriate.
  3. If you are invited to dinner or to lunch, particularly if it is the first time you are visiting someone’s home, it is usual to take a small gift. Again, flowers, a plant, chocolates, wine or a souvenir of your country would be welcomed. It is not necessary to spend a great deal of money; in fact, to do so might embarrass your host.
  4. If you have been invited to someone’s home and you are not sure whether everyone is expected to contribute to the refreshments or not, don’t be shy – ask! ‘Can I bring something?’ will never offend and may give your host an opportunity to request something specific. Please do not be offended if you are expected to contribute in some way; the British culture around hospitality may be different to yours but is not intended to be mean or unwelcoming.

5. When is an invitation not an invitation?

`My lecturer invited us to go out for a Chinese meal and then she expected us all to pay our share of the bill. Most of us did not have any money and it was very embarrassing. Why did she ask us if she did not want us to come?´ (Kenyan student)

  1. In many cultures, suggesting that friends join one for a meal or a drink means the same as offering to host the party or gathering. In Britain it very often does not. ‘Do you want to come to the pub/Chinese restaurant/coffee bar with me?’ does not mean ‘Can I buy you a drink/meal/coffee?’ Not only among students but among many other groups, it is usual to pay a contribution towards any such outing.
  2. In a pub or bar, it is quite common for all those present to buy a ‘round’. In other words, one person offers to buy the drinks for a group at first and then someone else will offer to buy the drinks when the glasses are empty. ‘It’s my round,’ means ‘it is my turn to buy the drinks’.
  3. In a restaurant, individuals may either work out what their own meal has cost and pay just that or, if money is not so short in the group, pay an equal share with everyone else, dividing the final bill by the number of people in the group.
  4. If you are invited to join a group going to a pub or restaurant and are worried about the cost, it is acceptable to say ‘I cannot afford to come today’ or ‘Do you mind if I just pay for my own drinks/meal because I am rather short of cash today.’ Sometimes people might offer to lend you money to join in. If you do not want to build up a debt, you could make another excuse for not attending but say that you would like to go on another occasion so that people do not gain the impression that you do not enjoy the group’s company.

6. Who pays on a `date´?

This is an increasingly difficult area to advise on. In the `old days´, it used to be expected that men invited women to go out with them, that this was a sign of romantic interest and that the man would pay.

In British culture nowadays, many women feel that to allow men to pay implies male dominance and can lead to a situation where the man feels he has paid for service of some kind. In student circles, male students have low incomes just the same as women and it is perhaps unfair to expect either partner to `foot the bill´ on their own.

In other words, it is quite usual for a couple to go `Dutch´ or to pay half each.

7. Sexual Relationships

  1. Sex outside marriage is not uncommon in Britain. The choice is a personal one, based on personal belief, culture, religion etc.
  2. Doctors can prescribe contraceptives to married and unmarried women.
  3. Condoms can be bought easily. Health experts recommend their use to avoid AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases as well as for contraception.
  4. The age of consent (when it ceases to be illegal to have a sexual relationship) is 16 for both heterosexual couples and homosexual men.
  5. Homosexual relationships are legal and increasingly accepted in UK society. Discrimination on grounds of sexual orientation is not accepted.

8. To pop in or not?

`My neighbour was really friendly to me at first. She spoke to me in a warm way and came to see me frequently. Suddenly I could tell that she was angry with me; she became very cool. Months later she told me that it was because she had once said, `Come to my place to eat next week;´ I had said that I would but she never came back to tell me when to come. I was waiting for a `proper´ invitation.´
(British woman, living in Kenya)

In many countries, `come and see me sometime soon´ means just that. In British culture, it is usual to wait for a very specific invitation before visiting someone´s home. In the example above, the British woman was waiting for her Kenyan neighbour to say something along the lines of `Can you come for dinner on Tuesday evening.´ The Kenyan woman, on the other hand, meant that she would welcome her guest at any time in the next week. If a British person says, `You must come round,´ they might be surprised if you do just turn up on the doorstep. If in doubt, why not invite them to your home first to establish the friendship.